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Here is the story. Many words have no meaning for me anymore, Time is one of them, because all this feels like it just happened, is still happening. I live in Limbo…
Around the time we had our second kid, we had just moved, she had not a lot of support, no family no friends, she started to say things like, ‘I can’t take this’, or ‘I feel like I’m loosing it’, etc. Stress from kids, and minor hospital trips, me at work, etc. I took a posting I thought was a good move for the family, our third in just over 2 years. Not much change in her. I was doing my best trying to minimize work, getting my next career sorted out, getting ready to leave the job for the good of the family, just waiting for my pension.
She’s taking the kids to school, picking them up, etc. She says there’s this guy there who keeps staring at her. Weeks-ish later, he gets the nerve to talk to her, she tells me all this, just some semi-weird guy kinda stories. One day she says he’s talking about going to the bar to watch UFC(he was a uneducated snow plow driver, kinda pasty, kinda over weight and I was in charge of a whole branch…), kinda hinting around if she wants to go. I say, ‘ you know he is hitting on you right?’ She is genuinely surprised and I can tell by the look on her face that she is genuinely  flattered. Crystallizing moment in my life. First time in knowing her for 20 years I have ever seen anything like that. More talk, now the odd text. In hindsight, I can see it coming, but at the time, it is all so surreal, because I would have never in a million years have imagined this from her. I had her on a pedestal, thought she was more than human, an Angel. More secretive cell phone, body language, etc. I am so far behind the times on this, but the next week I have some night work scheduled, June 14th, and I think, I wonder if she is going to try and have him over…I come home on Friday, in the backyard, the side gate is unlocked and it never is, so kids don’t let the dog out. Thing is, she didn’t actually leave it open for him, but there’s that wide eyed guilty look again, and I think, ‘she’s going to do it – holy fuck.’ I rig the house before I go to work on Monday, baby monitor hid behind the piano, MP3 player set to record audio hid on top of the bookshelf. I go to work, then drive back, park 2 blocks away, walk up close through the park behind our house and sit in a bush, listening to the monitor. Nothing going on. I have to go to around 1130, thinking, ‘Guess I was wrong’. I go, there was Northern Lights that night. I’ll always remember that, associate them with the end of my former existence, whoever the hell I was before. I come home, 30 minutes early, she’s in the kitchen, kinda flushed, still in day clothes, not pajamas as normal. Says she was just busy cleaning up, I buy it, probably because I want to. Go to bed, up the next morning, check the MP3 player, not really expecting to find anything but there it was, his voice, and more.
Not a very good sound recording. So I gleaned info over a few days. Confronted her, and it was all as much lying as possible. ‘He just happened to drive by’. Just came in for a quick chat unexpected’. ‘Can’t I have any friends?’ At this point I am so completely reeling, I am just trying to stabilize my life, my family for my kids, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, what it means. I am instantaneously so far behind that I just want to make it stop so I can get a grip on it all, but everything I do only makes it worse, she is just lying. I didn’t know it, but she was already gone. I say ‘stop all contact with him’. She says ‘well I’ve got to go say goodbye’, end up fucking him on the beach. I know this because days later, we are going to the beach with the kids and I get a look at her phone, and the text says ‘going to the beach, so obviously I am thinking of you’. More song and dance, lying. Says she needs some time away from the kids, goes to a hotel in the next town, fucks him there. Of course I don’t piece this all together until after, I am so, so far behind, can’t process it all. Can’t believe it. I try to affirm my love, etc. It all just falls on deaf ears. She is kinda on the fence too, I think. Because she is kinda keeping both options open. More stalling in stopping contact, more of me just madly trying to resurface, get my head above water. I drink, smash a phone, grab her arm, she is just looking for a reason to kick me out of the bedroom, I move downstairs. She blames me, then comes down fuck me once in a while, still on the fence I guess. I go away for a while , she has him over to eat supper with MY FUCKING CHILDREN. I put my SIM card into her old phone, read some sexting between them, realize it was done while she was reading goodnight stories to my kids. I tell you that is a damaging event for someones mind, reading your spouses sexting when you thought she was infallible. Other events involving text, voice, meetings. It turns out she thinks she is in love with him, is planning on leaving me -LEAVING ME FOR HIM! – not just a sexual affair. Generally, she is severely stupid in how she entered this, ran it, the whole thing. I am the only thing keep the family together, bending around the situation. I just cannot imagine my kids coming from a split marriage. And like all kids it would hurt them very deeply. I know this. Anyway, since this started, I am running 10km every other day, like a man running from demons, which I was/am. I am slowly catching up, feeling like I have done everything I can do, I am literally 24 hours from walking away for ever, and I think she sensed this, because she breaks it off. Full stop, then acts to this day like it never happened. I wanted to talk, wanted to know why, what did I do, but she will not talk about it at all, except I know it is always on her mind, because even now, when the waves of sadness crash over me, she will ask what’s up, just keeps saying she loves me. I fucking hate that phrase, “I love you”. It is the most deceitful thing anyone has ever said. It implies romantic love forever and that is a myth. Everyone knows it but buys into the group delusion. I say it to her all the time, and every time I do, I consciously know I am lying. That was in 2011. I take six months of crying like a baby all the way to work and back every single day. I cry at work when no one was around. Sit like a PTSD victim, which I was/am. I feel like someone has shot me in the chest with a .50 cal sniper round, small hole in the front, so I can walk around and no one can tell, but my whole insides are blown out, a massive hole in my back, my heart smashed to bloody shards, never to be rebuilt, my soul, like smoke wisps out the gaping wound, never to return. I can’t believe I am still alive, like seriously. I have no ideal why. I guess I am alive just because that’s how I happen to find myself. No real reason not to commit suicide that I can put my finder on, his murder is still not out of the question, more of a luxury item, since my whole reason for existing, for surviving, is for my kids. I am not the same person I was, whoever that was. He wasn’t anywhere near enough of a man to keep his wife of 17 years from fucking, as near as I can figure, the very first guy that came along. And not just fuck, but declare love, plan to move in with.  Now I am burned out. Hardened but fragile. My whole life has been rigged with explosives, my finger on the trigger. The only way I can survive living like this, Jekyll and Hyde, is to promise myself that if I see just one tiny glimpse, one little thing, I hit the trigger and blow the whole thing marriage/family to hell. Deal with the consequences of a divorce. Kids’ll have to toughen up, I guess.
So I survive like this, in limbo, medicating with whatever current drug has some temporary effect, though none do much, just take the edge off, like a Wanderer in this Wasteland, stumbling along, shell-shocked by the lies of Life and Marriage, and Love. Sometimes, mind going crazy, chewing on itself.
It was all found out, I saw it, from just one or two flashes of facial expression which were just not quite right.



Words that don’t exist or are used wrong:

1.) Trust. Doesn’t exist in the concept of one person trusting another to do what they said they would. Replace with “Taking Chances”.
2.) Love. Specifically romantic love. Requires trust. Doesn’t exist. Infatuation is confused with love, but it doesn’t last.
3.) Forever, in the romantic sense. Would require Love, See 2, above.
4.) Hope. False feeling when the brain uses to cope when it sees that things are fucked.

5.) Going back. You can never go back. To the way things were, to who you were, to that person you had that thing that might have been good. Don’t try to do it.

So many things swirling around in the dark cavity where my soul used to be, but really only the one thing: i am alone on the planet, a flesh robot doing what they do, but empty inside.
There is no trusting people, only taking chances that they will do what they said.
i used to believe that trust between people could exist but now i know it is a fairy tale told to comfort the frightened.
That trust is a myth, is a virus of an idea that i cannot shake, that reaches every part of me and affects my every idea and every relationship.
How could trust exist when i know you for twenty years and firmly believe that you are literally the most trust worthy person on the planet, beyond reproach so much so that i would trust you with anything.
I would have leapt blindfolded from a cliff knowing you would catch me, but now i don’t know it because you might be busy at the bottom with another man in a full blown affair, for as near as i can figure, no reason other than the opportunity presented itself.
Did you not think about what this would do to me and to our kids?
Did you not care, or did you think you were too good to get caught?
Are you better at not getting caught now?
If i was not spending all my time wrestling these demons internally in the fight of a hundred lifetimes, trying to keep this inside, balled up and pushed down and from touching the kids, and yes you, because you seem to need a savoir too, and being the superhero savoir for you and them is all i have left as a reason to exist.
Everyone else is still less trustworthy than you but now the whole scale has shifted.
i think i still know you better than i know anyone else.
i will probably always know you the best, so if i cannot trust you and i trust everyone else on the planet less because i know them less, then i can trust no one and even if i knew someone else for forty years, out of absolutely no where you chew through my heart on the way to removing my soul with a wicked-toothed chainsaw, so i think that more than drives home the point that there is no trust, only taking chances when you absolutely have to, and get ready to lose.
So i have no soul left and i am not sure whether i have a heart, or just bloody shards of it, or just a black oozing mass of pain where it used to be, but there is something there because it hurts me every single day, and at the same time i feel empty and lost without a soul.
Oddly i don’t hate you, and i say i love you in response to you saying it to me, (and i think you mean it, but then you seemed to mean it before too) but then i don’t know what love is and maybe i never did and that’s why you found this so easy to do to me and us.
Who are you? What are you capable of?
When will you do this again? Have you done it before?
How long can i protect my kids from this? Until my death i hope.
Brave face, show no sign, no sadness, no anger. i must be the best dad and husband on the surface, while i suppress the writhing coiled evil within.
That’s why i cannot send this to you because it would end it all.
You would not want to be stuck with this cripple that i have become, that you created, but would not keep if you saw what i really am inside, and i cannot let you destroy the loving environment i am trying to wrap our kids and you in.
You probably never really trusted me in the first place, even though i never broke trust, you would not be surprised by this lie I now live. Have you ever trusted anyone?
It would not destroy your idea of the whole human race like you did to me.
Why would i leave when there is no where else to go?
i might as well do my best to give my kids a chance at something called happiness, which i vaguely remember, or never really knew in the first place.
Is that why you did this? Because i don’t know happiness or love, and try as i might to hide it all these years you could always see and feel it.
Maybe it had nothing to do with me.
i have fought and will fight every day. i will not fail my family in even the smallest way.
i wonder if it will hurt the next time, or just set me free, but i won’t be free, because i need to be their dad every minute of every day.
This is as good as it gets, and always was, and the rest is a myth, but i envy those that can still live in that dream world where trust is a possibility.
Stumble through life doing what seems right and keeps me alive, and at the same time protects the family from evil.